That about sums it up. But I just can’t put in any words to anyone why. I can not talk about it. But basically I have just had enough of everything right now.
I hate that even when I am happy, it’s just because I have learnt to temporarily tune out all the bullshit and hurtful things. I shouldn’t NEED to do that. I should be able to be happy and stay that way for a while, not be happy while knowing there are still a thousand things I will be upset about later on… if that makes sense.
Who wants to donate me money to help me pay off my debt and make my travel dreams come true?
I know there is nothing like hard work to get you were you need to be but I swear I am trying SO hard, trying to find a second/new job and stuff but it’s just not happening for me. I’m not even being given the chance and I have applied for SO many. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it is very disheartening.
I don’t even have things to sell that anyone would buy, I don’t have any OUTSTANDING talents that place me perfectly for any kind of work. I feel right now that I honestly have nothing going for me, and i’m destined to struggle along for ever, happy but always wanting more adventure, more chance to explore the world.
I am just not sure what to do to be honest.
…Dale is going to Canada on Sunday. So soon, it just crept on up :( But I think he is only going for a month now as his working visa has not yet come through. A month isn’t so bad. I don’t really know what is going to happen with us still though and i’m a little scared.
But you know, i’m doing really well. I am okay… I have been more okay with this whole thing than I expected I would/could be, and I KNOW that whatever happens I WILL be okay.
I will be okay.
I cant really pretend you aren’t leaving anymore, it’s all booked so I have to start facing the reality that in exactly a month from now you will be gone. I’ve been okay up until now but I think that it was just because I wasn’t really facing the reality of it all.
This kinda sucks. No actually, it really sucks.
I’m going to miss you so much.
I hope that when you come back… you come back to me too.
Did I mention that?! I can’t remember.
BUT I AM! Moving to Jindabyne…. nope, job is not yet confirmed but I feel pretty good about it. Just in case though I revamped my resume ready to attack anywhere and everywhere with a job opening :)
I’m so excited! I got a share house opportunity that was just to good to pass up, and I wasn’t really to sure what to do but I spoke to a lot of people (including my Dad! woah!) and all of them said just go for it! Take a chance, go on an adventure and i’m certain that everything will work out (even my Dad.. seriously. Woah.) So, i’m going for it!
:D :D :D
I don’t even realise it at the time, but it’s true. And i’m an idiot for it. Hopefully I haven’t missed something which could be so amazing just because I was stupid and scared and making excuses. I have another chance, and I hope that it works out for me I really do because i’m sick of being scared and I know exactly what I want, so I finally want to go out there and just get it.
I would give anything just to have this work out for me, I really would.
I applied for a Promotions job at Thredbo last night, and I really really hope I get it so if you read this please wish me luck and send me good vibes!
I put ALOT of work into my cover letter, I think it’s great and I really believe I am PERFECT for the job. I don’t know why I was to chicken to apply for anything before, because travel and adventures are what I really want to do with my life! And now I have an amazing man who wants the same, why the hell didn’t I just go for it?! Am I crazy?!
So yeah, I am really hoping I get this job, even though if I do I don’t exactly know what i’m going to do about money for accommodation and such.. :S But, where there is a will there is a way and baby my will is STRONG!
..I can’t help the way my brain works.
I think half the reason I am upset is because i’m scared. Scared you might forget just how wonderful we are together. Forget the feelings, forget how perfect things are. Forget about me. Not all together… not on purpose. But it might just happen.
Who knows. Distance does funny things. It makes you stronger, or tears you apart. Part of me knows we are strong now, we have come so far and built something so wonderful together. Passed so many obstacles and we had such a great time before you left, I really felt how strong we are together.
But part of me still has that feeling that things can change so quickly and maybe they will. I don’t think they will… but I feel I should think about it still, I shouldn’t be so comfortable. Does that make sense at all? Ugh. Why brain! WHY!
I just want to be happy, and think ONLY about how wonderful a time you are having and how good my life is right now. I want you to be there, not here. I am not that selfish. But I will miss you, it will be hard and I just want to stop worrying and feel comfortable already. Once you are there, maybe things will get easier for me :) I will know how things are going to be. I sure hope so. I can’t be like this the whole time. I feel fricken ridiculous.
He left at about 7am. I cried a fair bit. We hugged each other for ages but it still doesn’t feel like it was long enough. I feel like I didn’t kiss him enough because I was crying to much. I can’t believe how quickly the time for him to go has come up. I just hope the next 4 months he is gone pass as quickly so he can be back here with me. I miss him already, just because I know it’s going to be so long. I have been crying on and off all day.
I am happy he’s got this job, I really wanted him to get it and he’s going to enjoy it so much. But I just wish I could have gone too or something. I have enjoyed the past 9 months we have been seeing each other so much, I just love being with him. I spend every weekend with him, and every Tuesday without fail, and of course it generally turns out we spend other days together too. It will be weird and lonely not doing that.
I hope I can go see him. I’m struggling with money right now but i’m going to be trying to save as much as I can to go down and spend some time with him, do some snowboarding.
Sorry, don’t mean to rant. I am just feeling a bit sooky and emotional right now.
Today is just one of those days where i’m just like…. ugh. Nope. I don’t want to do today anymore. Tomorrow I will take but just no more today.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward. I consider sleep but then remember that I am not blessed with the ability to sleep through the tough times. I struggle every single night to fall asleep. So I just sit here awake. Wanting the hours to hurry up and pass.
Nothing to pass the time or distract me. No one to talk to.
Okay today. That’s enough. I’ve had enough of your company for now.